Discovering Allah 

By Cayla Jones

Finding myself Muslim was one of those big ‘Ah Ha’ moments of life when you feel like you have glimpsed a small bit of God’s plan for your life. My learning about Islam began a little over a two years ago, but I believe that I have been on this path towards Islam much longer than that. I view my journey as an ongoing process filled up of moments that led me to Islam and continue even after my Shahada as a way of reaffirming my choice every day. I could give you an overview of my time living in Morocco when I believed myself to be 100% Christian living in a community of 100% Muslims. I could tell you about how my curiosity turned in to spending hours a day for months reading, researching, questioning, and comparing the Bible and the Quran. Instead, I would like to share with you some of the moments that led me to Islam and affirm that Islam is the best decision I have made. 

Let me take you back to seven years ago, when my faith in the church was crushed. As the daughter of a Presbyterian minister who grew up in the church, running around the halls acting like she owned the place, church was my safe space. That all changed in a single Sunday, when as a Junior in high school, I sat in a congregational meeting that turned my world upside down. The meeting came in the wake of the recession and was about making budget cuts. This meeting led to lots of pointing fingers at my dad as he stood before the people he had faithfully served for the past 15 years making groundless accusations with hatred in their voices. I sat through that meeting in shock with tears streaming down my face watching my dad defend himself.

Looking back on this time in my life, I never lost my faith in God, but I did lose my faith in our church. I often wonder if this hadn’t happened, would my heart have been searching for another way to be close to God? Would I be Muslim today? I can’t know that answer. However, I do believe my conversion to Islam was God’s plan for me all along. This realization of how God has been working in my life for all these years is just a glimpse into Him as Al- ‘Aleem (The All Knowing). 

Jumping forward to Christmas of last year, I had just returned from Morocco where I had served as a Peace Corps volunteer for two years and begun my journey to Islam. As I sat in church next to my mom my first Sunday back home, I listened to the hymns and read the Prayer of Confession printed in the bulletin I was holding in my hands with critical eyes and ears. The whole service my thoughts were spinning as I weighed everything I had learned in my studying of the Quran and the Bible. I kept going over and over what I knew and believed now and comparing them to the words being read aloud around me. The thought that kept pounding in my head was, ‘how had I gone through my whole life in blind acceptance of what I was taught? Now that my eyes have been opened, I can’t close them again nor do I want to.’.

I walked out of church that Sunday knowing that if I was seeking to live a life closer to God, the church is no longer where I would find Him. Even though this was clear to me, it still took me several more months until I claimed Islam and a few more after that until I told my family. 

Telling my family was one of the most heartbreaking and heartwarming things I have ever done. Breaking the news to my parents broke my heart as I watched my mom go through different stages of grief, feeling as if she had failed me because she hadn’t been able to protect me from the dark political side of the church while I was in high school. Sharing this secret with my family was one of the most heartwarming things as well, as we try to find new ways of connecting and showing our unconditional love for one another. After I told my dad, he asked if I would send him the five prayer times so that we could pray at the same time. When he came to visit a couple months later, he was the one who woke me up for Fajr and prayed while I prayed. The desire we have to connect in new ways and continue to show the unconditional love we have for one another has led me to be further in awe of Allah(SWT). My parents are loving and the feeling I have of being loved by them is overwhelming, but Allah (SWT) is Al-Wadud (The Loving). He doesn’t just love, He is love. 

The final moment that I would like to share with you all happened while I was learning to pray. One night before Maghrib as I began wudu, I found myself looking into the mirror reflecting on how far I had come and wondering what the future would hold. As I finished washing and wrapped my scarf around my head, I looked at myself and a wave of emotion came over me. I saw myself not as I was now, the new Muslim, unsure of herself and feeling like an imposter, but myself as I wanted to be. I saw myself as a beautiful, strong, faithful Muslim woman. The kind of woman who I want my future children to know.

All these moments have brought me to Islam and closer to the Most Glorified, Allah (SWT). May He bless us all with moments that remind us that He is the Most Great and worthy of our unceasing praise. Amin.